Lifelong Learning of the Call

A professor once told me in the early stages of my Ph.D. study that I would someday become instrumental in creating institutions for those who have been left out of formal institutional protection. It took me several years and the encounter with Annunciation House [dissertation site] to truly understand and appreciate this calling in my life.

Many years have passed since I've written this excerpt in my dissertation, yet I continue to find my way back to this statement.  Though life has taken on a different form since then, I cannot let go of the very passion that drove my work in my twenties.  This is the work that I am so honored to have been part of, as it privileged me to share life with the migrant poor and capture their stories and struggles through my writing.   

Annunciation House is the first place where I learned to correlate my primary calling as a follower of Christ in my daily walk.  This calling is described by Os Guinness in The Call as one that is “by Him, to Him, and for Him" (p. 31).  Through this, I shared work with individuals who desired to serve the migrant community in profound ways, as Jesus related to the poor on this earth.  These were very individuals who strove to live and work by Him, to Him, and for Him and to "think, speak, live, and act entirely for Him" (p. 31).

My life has changed drastically since the dissertation days, and the Lord has provided me with a stable career, loved ones, and a solid spiritual community.  Though this is the life I had craved and worked towards as a student, I cannot let go of the call of working with vulnerable populations and creating institutions/safe bounds where they could seek better livelihood.  And I am at times saddened by the realization that I have not responded to this call fully. 

For as long as I could remember, I knew that I wasn't called to a "normal" life in terms of following social conventions and becoming content with living the "American dream."  I also knew that the Lord never really dealt with me in a "typical" manner (comparatively speaking) and has somehow allowed me to live different realities, experience unique circumstances, and come across friends who have also led non-conventional lives.  This is what kept me going throughout my twenties.  But somehow, with the comforts of life, I eventually began losing sight of this and desiring things that were not really me. 

Such struggle can somewhat be reconciled by Guinness who describes calling as "not only a matter of being and doing what we are but also becoming what we are not yet but are called by God to be” and the “fusion of being and becoming” (p. 30).  Though I may not fully understand why certain things have come to pass while others have not, I am painstakingly finding my way back to the place where I could grapple with not losing sight of the passions He has ingrained in me.  This comes with the challenge of simultaneously calling upon Him daily and asking that He continue carving parts of me for His ultimate fulfillment in my life.

I do know that in trusting and following Him for these things, there will be things that I may not understand, but I must still trust and follow.  Where there is darkness, I trust He will illuminate His light so that I do not lose sight of what He has already given me and continue trusting for what is to come.  This will call for unwavering faith, as Joseph and Daniel have both endured, and allow the Lord to continue working on me despite the circumstances.  So that when the time comes for Him to reinstate other "Annunciation Houses" in my life, I will be more equipped than today... more trusting than today... and more faithful than today.   

*****

There is a time for everything, and a reason for every activity under heaven.  [Ecclesiastes 3:1]

Ever Present Truth

The media, in the recent weeks, has been rampant with reports of highly politicized figures who have violated the integrity in which their marriages stood upon.  One of the media outlets that I frequently visit presented a string of cases in which infidelity had been committed against many of the women I have come to admire and follow as professional role models.  What really grieved me was that these women were highly intellectual and accomplished individuals who seemed to lack nothing.  Yet, each of these women had been admittedly (and not-so admittedly) blind-sighted by their spouses. 

As series of questions began unraveling in head, I was faced with the question of what it would take for a straight-thinking, driven woman to be guarded against such failure of trust and accountability from their loved ones.  Was there really no hope?  Were we all doomed to such ironic tragedies regardless of how well-mannered, educated, and forward-thinking we were aiming to be?  As I found myself digging deeper into this issues, the more hopelessness clouded my thoughts, asking if it was even worth pursuing that “model life” as a DC professional.

I once heard that when you’re a Christian, you seem to have a lot more “coincidences.”  Coincidence or not, I believe the Lord was speaking to me even through these agonizing moments.  Although I came to connect the dots after putting down the book, Millar Erickson’s “The Postmodern World” was speaking to me about the faulty fundamentals which I stood on.  Knowingly and unknowingly, I had let the thoughts of the world creep into my way of thinking, ever-so enticing me to use the faults of the broken world as the basis of my own worldviews. 

I worship and believe in a perfect God, not in the world that has become so broken and defiled by wickedness.  I had somehow let the attitudes and behaviors of others dictate how I would feel about those around me and project their behaviors.  Furthermore, I came to confront how much of the self-centered thinking I had placed on myself.  In place of receiving everything in thanksgiving, I had somehow begun responding to many of my circumstances with “I deserve better than this… This isn’t how things should be.” 

Ever since when was I so “entitled” to a trial-free life?  Jesus didn’t promise the road would always be been wide and trouble-free.  What He did ask was to look to Him and center my thinking and my faith on Him.  In The Reason for God, Tim Keller speaks of centering our lives on him “to make the purpose and passion of our lives knowing, serving, delighting, and resembling him” (p. 228).  And if the beauty of what Jesus did truly moves me, then that should become the first step toward getting out of my own self-centeredness and fear into a trust relationship with Him (230).

What it all came down to was that I was not moving to the beat of the love Jesus had shown me.  I was still walking in my own self-centeredness and defining what would be right in my eyes.  The types of information I was allowing to feed into my brain, the sources of “truths” I was eliciting in place of His word, and the faulty righteousness I was attempting to conceive on my own… these were all sins within me, as “sin is centering your identity on anything but God” (Keller, 231).

All this came to a full circle when Art Lindsley spoke of the “true truths.”  So often I had adopted the “truths” of the world without weighing them against the true truths that came from the Father above.  I had so effortlessly notated world circumstances as truths in my schematic way of thinking and allowed non-scriptural influences to grip me with fear, distrust, and sadness.  All these worrisome notions were fruitless and in vain, as they stood contrary to the very fruit of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

Since learning to understand and decipher today’s world in the final weeks of the Fellows Program, I have made alterations to the way I seek my sources of information every morning.  I strive more to seek the Holy Spirit, the ultimate guide of truth, before I start off the morning with the messages of media.  I am now working to fill my thinking with His ultimate truths that He has spoken to us and the specific truths He is speaking to me that day. 

This has also opened my eyes that I do not need to look far to see great examples of integrity around me.  When the Lord gently nudged and reminded me that there were wonderful brothers and sisters in my community that, though not perfect, strove to live in truth and integrity before the Lord, I was humble once again.  More to their amazing careers and ministries, these were transparent people who strove to bear the same fruit of the Spirit I was reaching for.  These were the very role models and sources of encouragement God had placed in my life.  I needed not look further… they were all around me… just as the Lord is in my life.

Silence through the Storm

As I reflect on the past month's theme of "Being Transformed through the Bible," I am amazed at how the Lord used the readings, especially Meditating on the Word by Dietrich Bonheoffer, to prepare me for what was to come.  This past month, I was taken from the very normalcy of my life into a whirlwind of a crisis where I was to care for my mother who became ill while traveling abroad.  As situations hit us like lightning, one by one, the only response we could give was to be silent before Him and just take in what had been allowed us by the Father.

Prior to leaving for Korea, this passage from Bonhoeffer really spoke out to me:

To be silent does not mean to be inactive, rather it means to breathe in the will of God, to listen attentively and be ready to obey.  The time of silence is a time of responsibility, a time when we must answer to God and to ourselves; but it is also a time of blessedness, because it is a time when we live in the peace of God.  p. 49

In hindsight, I believe the Lord was speaking to prepare me for that silence, to breathe in what He would be speaking to me through the circumstance.  He was preparing me for the call where I would have to yield to everything by offering myself and praying for His peace to continue reigning in our lives.

Bonhoeffer also states that “the righteous person knows that God allows him to suffer so, in order that he may learn to love God for God’s own sake” (p. 88).  Being in the midst of the storm was learning more about Him and thanking Him for keeping us constant in the midst of it all.  As one wave hit after another, I clung onto His steadfast and loving hands to deliver us from the not-so-great news that kept penetrating into our lives.  I learned to withstand these trials so that I may see His perfect will unfold, not the mere desires that would only serve me selfishly.

What I had to give to God was my own poverty—my emptied self that was not at all capable of fixing the situations before me.  It is with this “unfeigned heart” that Bonhoeffer speaks about when receiving His riches in exchange for my impoverished self (p. 111).  In this, “we are to think of misfortune, misery, need of all kinds, in which God leaves us for a brief moment.”  It was not my prayer that God eradicate all hardship before us but that He would sustain us so that we would make it to the end of the race that He had somehow placed us on, a race that seemingly looked grim yet offered abundant hope and blessings (p. 113).

At the end of it all, He, as usual, required my whole heart.  He is continuing to teach me what it is to give completely to Him.  I imagine this will be an ongoing journey until I see the Father someday, but I look forward to the incremental pleasures and rewards that will come as I navigate through this journey called life.  And it was through the Word that He brought this new, yet not-so-new revelation in my life.  For this I am grateful and look forward to what He will continue to do in my life.

Two Special Visits

In my previous post, I had posed the following question: "Will I ever reach a point where I no longer lend an ounce of worry over myself?"  Revisiting this after three weeks, I can't even recall the state of mind in which I presented such a question.  All I could think right now is how ironic it is to revisit these words the day after I find myself completely overwhelmed and somehow manage to lose control of all emotions.  Last night, I had allowed tears to surround me, defeated by the mental and physical fatigue I had been carrying for quite a while now.  I had regrettably let the focus on myself creep back into my life not too long after I had decided that worries over self would have to be abandoned.

Yet the Lord has been so gracious to me, even when I have not.  He has remembered me even when I had allowed Him to get buried in the busyness of life.  To this day, He continues to seek my attention and ever so gently reminds me through the Holy Spirit, my comforter, that He has not forgotten about me... and that He knows what I'm going through despite my infamous poker face.  In his book, The Holy Spirit, Billy Graham states that, "It is never a question of how much you and I have of the Spirit, but how much He has of us" (p. 97).

I had a strong reminder of this through two individuals today, one being my mother and the other a good friend from the Fellows program.  Though I had not shared with anyone what had happened last night, my mother called this morning sharing with me that she had felt in her spirit a sense of sadness and longing for dependency as she interceded on my behalf.  She reminded me, "The Holy Spirit is a very sensitive being.  He understands what you are going through" and  encouraged me to rejoice for what is to come and not to dwell on the immediate.

I also spent part of the afternoon with a dear friend in the Fellows program after several failed attempts to pray with one another over the phone.  As we began to open up to one another about what had been weighing on our hearts, she reminded me of what I had said a while ago-- that it was during my darkest and vulnerable season where I had the greatest love affair with Him.  She also reminded me that the affair that began long ago had never ended and that He continues to seek my love and attention even though the season of desperation may have subsided.  He was inviting me to continue the dance with Him... just to a different beat.

Billy Graham notes:  I am convinced that to be filled with the Spirit is not an option but a necessity.  It is indispensable for the abundant life and for fruitful service.  The Spirit-filled life is not abnormal; it is the normal Christian life.  Anything less is abnormal; it is less than what God wants and provides for His children... that is why the Scripture commands all of us, "Be filled with the Spirit."  (p. 127)

With this, I am now steering my course and focus back on my Father and ask the question of whether I will once again learn to forsake myself, offer more of me to Him, and re-shift my focus on living the Spirit-filed life that He has intended for me.  Will I strive to live that normal Christian life and learn to remove the very limits I've placed on Him and allow the Holy Spirit to guide me so that He may conquer the absolute impossible for me?  I want to know if I will be able to abandon self-pity and embrace what is written in Mark 10:27 and confess, "Yes, with Jenny this is impossible, but not with you Lord.  All things are possible with You"

With that, I look forward to my next post.

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With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.  [Mark 10:27]

Not the Meltdown I Expected

It is already the last month of the year and three months into the Fellows Program.  Looking back, it's hard to believe we've only been together this short amount of time.  The discussions, growth, and solidarity we have experienced with one another have been in rapid velocity.  I feel I know my mentor and some of these ladies longer than some of my old friends, as I feel such ease when opening up and depending on them for prayers and accountability.  These relationships have become a strong conduit for me to rely on and trust my own small group members, which has been an unexpected bonus.

As part of the growth process together, we dedicated the month of November to examining the issue of humility.  This inevitably seemed like a difficult month, as we were repeatedly forewarned by second-year fellows that this would not be an easy month.  I guess what I had expected walking into this month was a complete meltdown-- that I would discover many ugly truths about myself, be completed stripped of the person that I was, and find ways to recreate new meaning for my life.  A bit extreme?  Perhaps.

I soon discovered that the same grace that had saved me and given me new life was also available as I embarked on the month-long struggle with pride and humility.  The Lord taught me throughout this month that humility wasn't something I exercised.  It was instead about looking to Him in my most unabandoned moments and asking to fill me in ways that no others could.  It was this holy helplessness that He craved, drawing me closer to Him for the sustenance that He offered.

Martyn Lloyd-Jones explains in Studies in the Sermon on the Mount:

Look at Him; and the more we look at Him, the more hopeless shall we feel by ourselves, and in and of ourselves, and the more shall we become 'poor in spirit.'  Look at Him, keep looking at Him.  Look at the saints, look at the men who have been most filled with the Spirit and used.  But above all, look again at Him, and then you will have nothing to do to yourself.  It will be done.  You cannot truly look at Him without feeling your absolute poverty, and emptiness.  (p. 42)

I found this en sync with Andrew Murray as he explains in Humility that "Water always fills first the lowest places.  The lower, the emptier a man lies before God, the speedier and the fuller will be the inflow of the divine glory" (p. 91).  Yes, being meek isn't something that comes out of our weakness but one that comes out of obedience to lower ourselves so that He, not I, may be glorified and His glory revealed in my life.  I don't need to run around wondering if there is sufficient humility in my life, because I would naturally feel His light and ever-present help as I walk in meekness toward Him.  And I strive to be closer to Him by yielding to myself, He would fill me with meekness that Lloyd-Jones explains as "compatible with great strength... with great authority and power" (p. 56).

Looking back, one way He asked me to experience this great strength was by demonstrating grater transparency with those walking this walk with me.  In this, I had to trust that this was being asked so that He could prepare me for greater things.  As I reluctantly answered to His call to release parts of me that I had been holding so dear within, He demonstrated such grace and love through those around me.  The way they received my struggles was so kind, and the burden seemed so much lighter as a result.  The judgment, misunderstandings, and mis-perceptions that I had feared were no more, and I realized right then what humility was all about... emptying myself of who I am and what I'm holding so dearly and allowing Him to work in my circumstances without letting myself get in the way.

Little did I know that the Lord would use key relationships in my life to teach me about humility.  While I had expected this to be a struggle solely between myself and Him, He cast the net even wider and allowed others to become more invested in my private life by cheering me on through my weaknesses as I strove towards meekness before Him and His people.  In this, I realized I wasn't as great as I was... and that I had a lot of dying to self still remaining in me.

The challenge He now leaves me with is becoming completely unabandonded and shifting the focus away from myself.  Lloyd-Martin explains:

The man who is meek is not even sensitive about himself.  He is not always watching himself and his own interests... We spend the whole of our lives watching ourselves.  But when a man becomes meek he has finished with all that; he no longer worries about himself and what other people say.  To be truly meek means we no longer protect ourselves, because we see there is nothing worth defending.  (p. 57)

Will I ever reach a point where I no longer lend an ounce of worry over myself?  The honest answer is I don't know.  But I will remember to place myself before Him in my utter helplessness and sink down into my own nothingness and trustfully surrender to Him (Murray, p.76).  It is in this true obedience that my faith will increase and I will learn to assume the best of His people as I become more and more at ease with lowering my pride and allowing humility to rise.  In this, I will walk closer to Him and become even more integrated into His call to serve the Kingdom and the communities He has blessed me with.

Not-So-Urban Plunge

This past Saturday, we experienced the highly anticipated Urban Plunge where we spent 12 hours learning about and experiencing love for our neighbors.  The day started off with a 7:30am message from Tom Tarrants (director of the Fellows Program) who commissioned us "not to wait for the warm fuzzies to occur" but to start loving those around us regardless.  This carried the same element in which Peter Kreeft tells us that "humility is a means to love" and that "love cannot happen without humility and self-forgetfulness" (p.186).  How often have I centered charity and love around myself and wasn't willing to forsake my own feelings and expectations in demonstrating that brutal, self-forgetting love?  How many times have I used the excuse of "not feeling led" when all needed to be done was just let go?

The Lord really humbled me that day as we proceeded to the next activity, in which the entire group was split to spend the morning with one of the three designated organizations.  The organization we were assigned to was Casa Chirilagua, where approximately ten individuals have surrendered to the call of serving the migrant community from Central America.  This was very different from other service organizations in that this wasn't a building with a flashy sign that indicated who they were nor was it a typical place where volunteers came in and out to serve.  No, this was an ordinary town home in the middle of the Chirilagua neighborhood where people lived and carried out their daily lives amongst the migrant community.

It turns out, this organization was created when three young women (DC professionals) decided to define their "neighbors" as literally those living amongst them and move into the neighborhood to serve and share lives together with the residents of Chirilagua.  There wasn't a set agenda but just to live among those in need and begin to share the love of Christ in the most tangible way... living their lives together and being a testament to one another's joys and struggles.  They would soon come to canvass the neighborhood and organically identify the needs and mobilize others to come join in the service.

You are, by now, probably envisioning a run-down neighborhood somewhere in DC where these "poor immigrants" reside with graffiti and litter abound.  Perhaps this is what I had expected as we were driven to this location without much detail.  However, this would come to a shock to me, as we drove into the neighborhood located none else but at the border of affluent Alexandria City and Arlington, Virgina... and less than a five-minute drive from my home.  These are the same streets I had driven through on my way to CVS and Giant and didn't even think twice.  How could this be?  Especially for someone who had once worked on the U.S.-Mexico border serving the migrant community?  How is that that I never once wondered about the needs and reality of this neighborhood that stared right into my face?

In Luke 10, we read about an expert of the law who postulates the question, "Who is my neighbor?" when Jesus shares the greatest commandments of "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself" (Luke 10:27).  Well, I need to search no further.  My neighbors are the neighbors who literally reside minutes from me.  My neighbors are precisely those from areas where I have so passionately served in the past.  My neighbors are those who have been right under my nose.

So here I am at an obvious crossroad.  I could either sit here and wonder if I "feel led" or called to serve my neighbors and perhaps wait for the warm fuzzies to develop... or I could just get up and start walking towards Chirilagua.  The outcome looks pretty clear, and I believe Jesus would tell me the same -- "Go and do likewise."

Higher Ground for the Marketplace

At my first meeting with my mentor, I was asked about my goals and expectations for the upcoming year and how she could best contribute to my growth process.  The answer was simple—to embrace my life as a marketplace Christian with utmost conviction and a steadfast heart.  My role as a Christian in the workplace is something I had taken for granted for a long time, and I had finally come to a point where I realized I had to start struggling for that life, one that is seasoned with grace, kindness, and integrity.

In Studies in the Sermon on the Mount, Martyn Lloyd-Jones explains that Christians carry “something unusual, something explicable and something elusive” that is quite distinct from the world.  She further explains that the uniqueness of the Christian personhood is grand and that “there is nothing more tragic than the failure on the part of many professing Christians to realize the uniqueness and the special character of a Christian” (p. 276).

This does not insinuate that Christians are above all others and should carry the “holier than thou” attitude.  Far from it, Christians are called to demonstrate that amazing grace and to execute their responsibilities beyond their own natural abilities.  Christians are called to “separate from all others, and not only from the worst among others, but from the very best and highest among them” (p. 277).  And this can only be done as we acknowledge and demonstrate God-centered love in everything we do.  

Our inability to shine better as marketplace Christians goes beyond our ambitions, greed, and competitiveness.  It is the “self-centered ugliness of sin” that John Piper explains in Learning to Savor the Love of God.  Through this, I’ve come to realize that my shortcomings in the workplace haven’t been my inability to be a “good person.”  Rather, it was my failure to savor the God-centered love of God, because I had all too often tried to put myself at the center of it.

I am grateful to God that He has allowed His rays to shine into my heart to awaken His beauty not only in my personal walk with Him but into the workplace He has called me to serve.  "The ugliness of self-exalting sin is revealed.  The glory of God-exalting love is discovered.  And we set ourselves on a quest to savor it more and more forever and ever.”  And as I set out to continue tasting that truly aligned love He has for me, I know I will be able to live out my call as a Christian with graciousness and the mannerism that will allow me to disarm others and infiltrate the God-centered love and grace to into their lives.  Like the streaming waters, I will walk closer and closer toward that ray and continue moving forth with grace, kindness, and integrity before Him.

The 360 Degree Love

"Living a Life of Love" is the theme for this month, and there could not have been a better topic for where I am at this particular stage of my life.  At age 32, I have finally come closer to the realization of the love that He demands from me.  This is a love that extends 360 degrees and one that never misses a beat. 

As I celebrate my 32nd birthday today, I am reflective of many events that occurred during the past year.  Around this time last year, I was dealing with a very difficult medical condition in which no doctor had a clear explanation for.  I was left to question whether this would be a permanent thorn on my side that I would have to endure.  I never cried so much and wondered why He was delaying His time of deliverance.

I was also caught in the middle of a professional confusion where I knew He was leading me into a different stage of my career but did not have clear indication of where.  Though I knew He wasn't far from hearing nor His arms too short of reach, I wondered when He would hasten His already delayed answers.  I was at the mercy of God and not my own hands.

Peter Kreeft in God Who Loves You explains:

"Nothing else is really mine.  My health, my works, my possessions, my intelligence, my life itself-- these are not what they seem.  They are all loans, hostages to fortune.  They are shifting rainbows, insubstantial and ephemeral.  I discover that when I stand face to face with God in prayer or when I stand face to face with death in fear.  I discover that I am nothing."  (p.68)

During this time of wait and revelation of who I really was, just an empty vessel, He revealed to me the infinite hole in the center of my heart, "a hole that cannot be filled even with the whole enormous but finite universe....  This spiritual black hole is the restless heart that will not and cannot rest anywhere except in God, its home."  And from here, I realized that I was truly "cursed with the knowledge of God," and nothing could satisfy me without the knowledge of the most high God (p.89).  In this, I became undone and unabandoned for Him, relinquishing all control, anticipation, and plans.

The Lord wasn't enjoying inflicting pain on my life.  He was merely trying to get my attention.  Before I could move onto the next stage of my life, He was asking for a love affair with Him, one that must be experienced before He could truly release me to the love and satisfaction He has provided for me on this earth.  He needed my submission and obedience as an expression of my love for Him, as "our obedience to God's law is the love affair in which our will meets His" (p.163).

Christ has indeed transformed the meaning and value of my suffering from something that once caused fear to one that redeems my love for Him.  As His suffering on the cross ultimately brought me to freedom, it was through my personal sufferings that He brought me closer to His love.  All He was asking of me was to trust Him and to let Him lead the dance, moving to the beat of His own heart.  This was so that I may experience the sweetest love affair with Him before all else.

As I stand here today, I rejoice in the complete restoration He has brought to my body after sixteen months of struggle, where I am now healthier than I had been before becoming ill.  I now have a wonderful career where He has given me great favor, endless career possibilities, and colleagues who recognize my talents even when I am not able.  I continue to have wonderful friends who testify of my journey and also have been given a new community through the Fellows Program.  They have not only taught me to remain vulnerable but have also accepted my brokenness as a gift to them.

This was also the month the Lord finally revealed a mystery that I had been struggling with for two years.  He has literally turned my mourning into dancing overnight, and my heart is overwhelmed by His restoration and affirmation.  A friend once shared with me that "on the other side of fear, you will find freedom."  I have indeed found that freedom... the freedom to dwell, love, and allow one to accept my vulnerabilities and to still love me for who I am.

I only hope that this same freedom and love that had been demonstrated in my life will be poured out to others who are also hurting, searching, and feeling neglected by all life's situations.  The Lord is more than able and is waiting for you to consent to the love affair with Him.  "To love God is to enter into God and to let God enter into you... share God's life and let Him share yours" (p.170).

Means to an End

The theme for the readings this month was "Following Jesus Christ," where we examined the nature and implications of the call to discipleship.  The assignments included texts such as In His Image and Questions I'd Ask Before Following Jesus and viewings such as The Gospel of John.  We were also given an opportunity this month to spend an evening with Randy Newman, author of Questioning Evangelism.

So what does it mean to follow Jesus?  Well, we are clearly instructed in Mark 8:34, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." For some, denying oneself implies making drastic changes to their livelihood by abandoning everything they had ever known to join full-time ministry (the case of my parents).  For others, this prompts us to the daily exercise of abstaining from certain pleasures, desires, and tendencies to align with what He is calling us to be.  It's the constant surrender and stepping aside for the Holy Spirit to work in us.

What struck me the most through the readings is the realization that everything we do is never the end but the means to an end.  Michael Wilkins states, "The practice of study, guidance, and Scripture mediation are the means to an end, that is, acquiring God's truth so that we can grow in His love and service life Jesus.  They are not final goals themselves" (p. 95).  Yes, the daily seeking of the Lord in worship and prayer, the constant inquiring of the Lord on what steps to take, the continual struggle to renew my heart and mind... these are all means for the better end, not the finality themselves.

The reason this struck a chord with me is that in all honesty, I have found it easier to gloat over myself when I would come face-to-face with the healthy consequences of my sacrifices before Him.  It seemed almost natural to view such milestones as the culmination, comforting myself that I had finally arrived at something... whatever that was.  But what I am convicted of now is this-- while it is not a detriment to celebrate milestones, it is not right to be blinded of the final goal.

How many times have I picked myself up from a slump, gotten back on track with the Lord, and credited myself for the "finished product?  How many times have I made mere spots on the spectrum to be much bigger than they really were?  How many times did I spurt my own growth by losing sight of the big picture and the next steps ahead?  Yes indeed, "denying ourselves is not the goal, it is a means to the goal, which is found in the next stage of the process" (p. 85).

I do take some comfort in the fact that Jesus's disciples also faced such shortcomings.  Gordon MacDonald explains in Questions I'd Ask Before Following Jesus:

"While His disciples tended to be glue to the past and the present, Jesus focused on the future,  He saw every incident, conversation, and learning experience in light of future maturity.  His rebuke, for example, which might sting for a day or two, was not meant to humiliate.  Rather it was designed to form character for harsh times ahead."

In reading this, I not only take comfort in that my mishaps can be quite common, but I take true comfort in knowing that my Father understands these limitations and corrects me not for the sake of reprimand but to prepare and strengthen me for the struggles ahead.  This is why He gives us hints of the future without fully revealing and dictating the full picture, so that we would not divulge and obsess with today but instead use every part of our present moment to prepare us for the future and to continually keep our hope and trust in Him and in Him only.  

A Few Good Women

There is only one scene I recall from the movie, A Few Good Men.  It's when Daniel Kafee (Tom Cruise) demands the truth behind the death of a soldier, in which Colonel Jessep (Jack Nicholson) emphatically counters, "You can't handle the truth!"  This famous line has since become one of the most utilized movie catchphrases, commonly found in parodies, satires, and friendly banter amongst friends. 

As I revisit the film that undeniably traces the harsh road to unraveling the ugly truth behind human nature and its absorption of power and abuse, I am reminded of the call for us Christians to live lives that are directly contrary to the patterns of the world in seeking the truth in God's perfect will for our lives and humankind.  This truth that we strive for is certainly one that we can handle, as we walk to obey the command, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Romans 12:2).

I would like to talk about a few good women today-- godly, upright women who have committed themselves to serve as mentors in the Fellows Program.  They come from various walks of life and span across a great spectrum of testimonies and conversion stories.  These are women who have conscientiously made the decision to interrupt their lives to help us walk through this journey in utmost respect and humility.  They have availed themselves to love, listen, and rebuke at times in order to guide us in the way we should go so we do not depart from the truth (adaptation of Psalm 22:6). 

We first met the mentors during the kick-off weekend few weeks back.  We were introduced to these ladies, who would spend the weekend with us in the Blueridge Mountains.  We were to eat, laugh, and perhaps cry together... and ultimately decide which of the four would best fit our needs for one-on-one mentorship.  Throughout the weekend, the mentors were intentional about giving each one of us an opportunity to get to know them and to arrive at our own decisions.

I initially wondered why the choice was given to us in the first place.  All the ladies seemed wonderful, and I would have been fortunate to have any of them assigned to me and intricately embedded into my life.  They each seemed to carry an element of me, and I knew their unique insights (through their lived struggles and triumphs) would help develop me as a mature Christian woman.  But as I surrendered to the process, God soon revealed distinct needs in my life that could be addressed by each mentor.  I then had to lay them down and decide on the element that would benefit the most from a mentor-mentee relationship.

I met with my mentor one-on-one for the first time this past weekend.  I felt the conversation was an indication after another that this union was not a random act but one that had been guided by the Lord.  This reminded me of the freedom I mentioned in the previous post, the great freedom that Christ gives us to soar with Him within His bounds.  Although there had been boundaries set by the program to select a mentor from a pool of the designated four, we were given the freedom to choose who would best fit our needs.  And before such selection could be made, we were challenged to identify, delineate, and grapple with different aspects of our personhood to clearly articulate our vulnerabilities.

Christ has given us the great freedom to explore our lives even though the outcome is ultimately His. Instead of forcing every thought and action on us, He allows us to partner with Him and struggle through life with Him.  And though I had planned the course in arriving at the decision, it was the Lord who had already determined and guided the steps to His ultimate outcome and provision (adaptation of Proverbs 16:9).  It is in this that I marvel at God for allowing His brilliance to shine upon the C. S. Lewis Institute to design and implement the program to reflect His ways of doing things and to allow us to grasp His intelligence both through our minds and hearts.

Is this the type of truth I want and could handle?  I've never been so sure.

Co-Existence of Boundaries and Freedom

One of the key elements of the Fellows Program is building relationships with one another.  Every month, we are required to meet for fellowship with our core groups, accountability and prayer with our quads, and one-on-one sessions with our mentors.  Although this may seem simple, it is not an easy task for 12 busy women (8 fellows + 4 mentors) to coordinate their schedules to gather and share quality time with one another.  But what amazes me about this process is the heart of these women who are genuinely excited to come together and eager to inconvenience themselves to honor this commitment. 

Last night, we held our first quad meeting at Cheesecake Factory.  Although this was a "meeting" of some sort, it was nothing short of old friends coming together for good eats and conversation.  We were able to dive right into one another's lives and shared things that were weighing on our hearts, our ongoing struggles, and areas where we needed each other for accountability.  This was an incredibly safe environment where we feared no judgment or condemnation.  As one of the ladies so clearly articulated, "Vulnerability begets vulnerability," as we welcomed the exercise of being broken and built up together.

This lead me to reflect on what true freedom is.  Although these meetings had been "forced" on us, as mandated activities of the program, there were immense treasures and freedom that awaited us.  These bounds created the unique space for us to freely and unashamedly come before one another, confess who we are at this particular stage of our lives, and strive toward the common goal of being true vessels before Him.  Our time together wasn't about our accomplishments, our spheres of influence, or any other type of pedestal the world may have placed us on.  It was the sheer simplicity of His people coming together to find ways to endure our trials and triumphs together.

It was precisely these strict guidelines of the program that forced us to prioritize our lives around one another.  We were not given any room to sway away from this commitment, and I believe it is this boundary that opened our eyes, minds, and time to such an enriching time of edification and acknowledgment of His grace.  Through this simple lesson of coming together with a group of vulnerable lovers of Jesus, He has reminded me once again that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free (Galatians 5:1).

Start of the Journey

As I embark on my nine month journey with the C.S. Lewis Institute Fellows Program, I am filled with awe and excitement over the transformations God will bring through this experience.  I've been a follower of Christ as long as I could remember and can't link my conversion to a particular event, but He has taken me on a gradual path where His magnificent being and supreme authority have poured over my life time and time again.

Michael Wilkins could not have given a better description of my conversion story through his work, In His Image:

"Many people who grow up in Christian homes are not always aware of the beginning.  For many it comes in the natural course of their growth.  They may have turned to God in a moment not connected with a crisis event, so the experience of the awakening is not remembered consciously.  Their spiritual life was initiated by God more quietly in the secrecy of their inner person." (p.91)

As I begin to reexamine the path that was so wonderfully conceived in the secret place of my childhood, I now make the transition into this public platform to trace my walk with Him and to become more transparent and vulnerable before Him and His people.  My aim is not only to account for the awesome awakening that will ensue as a direct result of the program, but I also pray that He will allow me to use this journey to trace my entire life line in Him that began long ago and one that has sustained me over and over again.

I stand in great expectation that God will bring life-altering blessings and renewal to my life during the next nine months.  He will awaken parts of me that have been dormant and allow His hidden and unknown plans to come to pass.  He will restore my joy and turn my wailing into dancing.  He will remove my sackcloth and clothe me with joy.  He will position my heart to sing to Him and give thanks forever.

THIS will be so much greater than what I can envision and will far exceed beyond the program.