It is already the last month of the year and three months into the Fellows Program. Looking back, it's hard to believe we've only been together this short amount of time. The discussions, growth, and solidarity we have experienced with one another have been in rapid velocity. I feel I know my mentor and some of these ladies longer than some of my old friends, as I feel such ease when opening up and depending on them for prayers and accountability. These relationships have become a strong conduit for me to rely on and trust my own small group members, which has been an unexpected bonus.
As part of the growth process together, we dedicated the month of November to examining the issue of humility. This inevitably seemed like a difficult month, as we were repeatedly forewarned by second-year fellows that this would not be an easy month. I guess what I had expected walking into this month was a complete meltdown-- that I would discover many ugly truths about myself, be completed stripped of the person that I was, and find ways to recreate new meaning for my life. A bit extreme? Perhaps.
I soon discovered that the same grace that had saved me and given me new life was also available as I embarked on the month-long struggle with pride and humility. The Lord taught me throughout this month that humility wasn't something I exercised. It was instead about looking to Him in my most unabandoned moments and asking to fill me in ways that no others could. It was this holy helplessness that He craved, drawing me closer to Him for the sustenance that He offered.
Martyn Lloyd-Jones explains in Studies in the Sermon on the Mount:
Look at Him; and the more we look at Him, the more hopeless shall we feel by ourselves, and in and of ourselves, and the more shall we become 'poor in spirit.' Look at Him, keep looking at Him. Look at the saints, look at the men who have been most filled with the Spirit and used. But above all, look again at Him, and then you will have nothing to do to yourself. It will be done. You cannot truly look at Him without feeling your absolute poverty, and emptiness. (p. 42)
I found this en sync with Andrew Murray as he explains in Humility that "Water always fills first the lowest places. The lower, the emptier a man lies before God, the speedier and the fuller will be the inflow of the divine glory" (p. 91). Yes, being meek isn't something that comes out of our weakness but one that comes out of obedience to lower ourselves so that He, not I, may be glorified and His glory revealed in my life. I don't need to run around wondering if there is sufficient humility in my life, because I would naturally feel His light and ever-present help as I walk in meekness toward Him. And I strive to be closer to Him by yielding to myself, He would fill me with meekness that Lloyd-Jones explains as "compatible with great strength... with great authority and power" (p. 56).
Looking back, one way He asked me to experience this great strength was by demonstrating grater transparency with those walking this walk with me. In this, I had to trust that this was being asked so that He could prepare me for greater things. As I reluctantly answered to His call to release parts of me that I had been holding so dear within, He demonstrated such grace and love through those around me. The way they received my struggles was so kind, and the burden seemed so much lighter as a result. The judgment, misunderstandings, and mis-perceptions that I had feared were no more, and I realized right then what humility was all about... emptying myself of who I am and what I'm holding so dearly and allowing Him to work in my circumstances without letting myself get in the way.
Little did I know that the Lord would use key relationships in my life to teach me about humility. While I had expected this to be a struggle solely between myself and Him, He cast the net even wider and allowed others to become more invested in my private life by cheering me on through my weaknesses as I strove towards meekness before Him and His people. In this, I realized I wasn't as great as I was... and that I had a lot of dying to self still remaining in me.
The challenge He now leaves me with is becoming completely unabandonded and shifting the focus away from myself. Lloyd-Martin explains:
The man who is meek is not even sensitive about himself. He is not always watching himself and his own interests... We spend the whole of our lives watching ourselves. But when a man becomes meek he has finished with all that; he no longer worries about himself and what other people say. To be truly meek means we no longer protect ourselves, because we see there is nothing worth defending. (p. 57)
Will I ever reach a point where I no longer lend an ounce of worry over myself? The honest answer is I don't know. But I will remember to place myself before Him in my utter helplessness and sink down into my own nothingness and trustfully surrender to Him (Murray, p.76). It is in this true obedience that my faith will increase and I will learn to assume the best of His people as I become more and more at ease with lowering my pride and allowing humility to rise. In this, I will walk closer to Him and become even more integrated into His call to serve the Kingdom and the communities He has blessed me with.
