In my previous post, I had posed the following question: "Will I ever reach a point where I no longer lend an ounce of worry over myself?" Revisiting this after three weeks, I can't even recall the state of mind in which I presented such a question. All I could think right now is how ironic it is to revisit these words the day after I find myself completely overwhelmed and somehow manage to lose control of all emotions. Last night, I had allowed tears to surround me, defeated by the mental and physical fatigue I had been carrying for quite a while now. I had regrettably let the focus on myself creep back into my life not too long after I had decided that worries over self would have to be abandoned.
Yet the Lord has been so gracious to me, even when I have not. He has remembered me even when I had allowed Him to get buried in the busyness of life. To this day, He continues to seek my attention and ever so gently reminds me through the Holy Spirit, my comforter, that He has not forgotten about me... and that He knows what I'm going through despite my infamous poker face. In his book, The Holy Spirit, Billy Graham states that, "It is never a question of how much you and I have of the Spirit, but how much He has of us" (p. 97).
I had a strong reminder of this through two individuals today, one being my mother and the other a good friend from the Fellows program. Though I had not shared with anyone what had happened last night, my mother called this morning sharing with me that she had felt in her spirit a sense of sadness and longing for dependency as she interceded on my behalf. She reminded me, "The Holy Spirit is a very sensitive being. He understands what you are going through" and encouraged me to rejoice for what is to come and not to dwell on the immediate.
I also spent part of the afternoon with a dear friend in the Fellows program after several failed attempts to pray with one another over the phone. As we began to open up to one another about what had been weighing on our hearts, she reminded me of what I had said a while ago-- that it was during my darkest and vulnerable season where I had the greatest love affair with Him. She also reminded me that the affair that began long ago had never ended and that He continues to seek my love and attention even though the season of desperation may have subsided. He was inviting me to continue the dance with Him... just to a different beat.
Billy Graham notes: I am convinced that to be filled with the Spirit is not an option but a necessity. It is indispensable for the abundant life and for fruitful service. The Spirit-filled life is not abnormal; it is the normal Christian life. Anything less is abnormal; it is less than what God wants and provides for His children... that is why the Scripture commands all of us, "Be filled with the Spirit." (p. 127)
With this, I am now steering my course and focus back on my Father and ask the question of whether I will once again learn to forsake myself, offer more of me to Him, and re-shift my focus on living the Spirit-filed life that He has intended for me. Will I strive to live that normal Christian life and learn to remove the very limits I've placed on Him and allow the Holy Spirit to guide me so that He may conquer the absolute impossible for me? I want to know if I will be able to abandon self-pity and embrace what is written in Mark 10:27 and confess, "Yes, with Jenny this is impossible, but not with you Lord. All things are possible with You"
With that, I look forward to my next post.
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With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God. [Mark 10:27]
