The 360 Degree Love

"Living a Life of Love" is the theme for this month, and there could not have been a better topic for where I am at this particular stage of my life.  At age 32, I have finally come closer to the realization of the love that He demands from me.  This is a love that extends 360 degrees and one that never misses a beat. 

As I celebrate my 32nd birthday today, I am reflective of many events that occurred during the past year.  Around this time last year, I was dealing with a very difficult medical condition in which no doctor had a clear explanation for.  I was left to question whether this would be a permanent thorn on my side that I would have to endure.  I never cried so much and wondered why He was delaying His time of deliverance.

I was also caught in the middle of a professional confusion where I knew He was leading me into a different stage of my career but did not have clear indication of where.  Though I knew He wasn't far from hearing nor His arms too short of reach, I wondered when He would hasten His already delayed answers.  I was at the mercy of God and not my own hands.

Peter Kreeft in God Who Loves You explains:

"Nothing else is really mine.  My health, my works, my possessions, my intelligence, my life itself-- these are not what they seem.  They are all loans, hostages to fortune.  They are shifting rainbows, insubstantial and ephemeral.  I discover that when I stand face to face with God in prayer or when I stand face to face with death in fear.  I discover that I am nothing."  (p.68)

During this time of wait and revelation of who I really was, just an empty vessel, He revealed to me the infinite hole in the center of my heart, "a hole that cannot be filled even with the whole enormous but finite universe....  This spiritual black hole is the restless heart that will not and cannot rest anywhere except in God, its home."  And from here, I realized that I was truly "cursed with the knowledge of God," and nothing could satisfy me without the knowledge of the most high God (p.89).  In this, I became undone and unabandoned for Him, relinquishing all control, anticipation, and plans.

The Lord wasn't enjoying inflicting pain on my life.  He was merely trying to get my attention.  Before I could move onto the next stage of my life, He was asking for a love affair with Him, one that must be experienced before He could truly release me to the love and satisfaction He has provided for me on this earth.  He needed my submission and obedience as an expression of my love for Him, as "our obedience to God's law is the love affair in which our will meets His" (p.163).

Christ has indeed transformed the meaning and value of my suffering from something that once caused fear to one that redeems my love for Him.  As His suffering on the cross ultimately brought me to freedom, it was through my personal sufferings that He brought me closer to His love.  All He was asking of me was to trust Him and to let Him lead the dance, moving to the beat of His own heart.  This was so that I may experience the sweetest love affair with Him before all else.

As I stand here today, I rejoice in the complete restoration He has brought to my body after sixteen months of struggle, where I am now healthier than I had been before becoming ill.  I now have a wonderful career where He has given me great favor, endless career possibilities, and colleagues who recognize my talents even when I am not able.  I continue to have wonderful friends who testify of my journey and also have been given a new community through the Fellows Program.  They have not only taught me to remain vulnerable but have also accepted my brokenness as a gift to them.

This was also the month the Lord finally revealed a mystery that I had been struggling with for two years.  He has literally turned my mourning into dancing overnight, and my heart is overwhelmed by His restoration and affirmation.  A friend once shared with me that "on the other side of fear, you will find freedom."  I have indeed found that freedom... the freedom to dwell, love, and allow one to accept my vulnerabilities and to still love me for who I am.

I only hope that this same freedom and love that had been demonstrated in my life will be poured out to others who are also hurting, searching, and feeling neglected by all life's situations.  The Lord is more than able and is waiting for you to consent to the love affair with Him.  "To love God is to enter into God and to let God enter into you... share God's life and let Him share yours" (p.170).

Means to an End

The theme for the readings this month was "Following Jesus Christ," where we examined the nature and implications of the call to discipleship.  The assignments included texts such as In His Image and Questions I'd Ask Before Following Jesus and viewings such as The Gospel of John.  We were also given an opportunity this month to spend an evening with Randy Newman, author of Questioning Evangelism.

So what does it mean to follow Jesus?  Well, we are clearly instructed in Mark 8:34, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." For some, denying oneself implies making drastic changes to their livelihood by abandoning everything they had ever known to join full-time ministry (the case of my parents).  For others, this prompts us to the daily exercise of abstaining from certain pleasures, desires, and tendencies to align with what He is calling us to be.  It's the constant surrender and stepping aside for the Holy Spirit to work in us.

What struck me the most through the readings is the realization that everything we do is never the end but the means to an end.  Michael Wilkins states, "The practice of study, guidance, and Scripture mediation are the means to an end, that is, acquiring God's truth so that we can grow in His love and service life Jesus.  They are not final goals themselves" (p. 95).  Yes, the daily seeking of the Lord in worship and prayer, the constant inquiring of the Lord on what steps to take, the continual struggle to renew my heart and mind... these are all means for the better end, not the finality themselves.

The reason this struck a chord with me is that in all honesty, I have found it easier to gloat over myself when I would come face-to-face with the healthy consequences of my sacrifices before Him.  It seemed almost natural to view such milestones as the culmination, comforting myself that I had finally arrived at something... whatever that was.  But what I am convicted of now is this-- while it is not a detriment to celebrate milestones, it is not right to be blinded of the final goal.

How many times have I picked myself up from a slump, gotten back on track with the Lord, and credited myself for the "finished product?  How many times have I made mere spots on the spectrum to be much bigger than they really were?  How many times did I spurt my own growth by losing sight of the big picture and the next steps ahead?  Yes indeed, "denying ourselves is not the goal, it is a means to the goal, which is found in the next stage of the process" (p. 85).

I do take some comfort in the fact that Jesus's disciples also faced such shortcomings.  Gordon MacDonald explains in Questions I'd Ask Before Following Jesus:

"While His disciples tended to be glue to the past and the present, Jesus focused on the future,  He saw every incident, conversation, and learning experience in light of future maturity.  His rebuke, for example, which might sting for a day or two, was not meant to humiliate.  Rather it was designed to form character for harsh times ahead."

In reading this, I not only take comfort in that my mishaps can be quite common, but I take true comfort in knowing that my Father understands these limitations and corrects me not for the sake of reprimand but to prepare and strengthen me for the struggles ahead.  This is why He gives us hints of the future without fully revealing and dictating the full picture, so that we would not divulge and obsess with today but instead use every part of our present moment to prepare us for the future and to continually keep our hope and trust in Him and in Him only.