The 360 Degree Love

"Living a Life of Love" is the theme for this month, and there could not have been a better topic for where I am at this particular stage of my life.  At age 32, I have finally come closer to the realization of the love that He demands from me.  This is a love that extends 360 degrees and one that never misses a beat. 

As I celebrate my 32nd birthday today, I am reflective of many events that occurred during the past year.  Around this time last year, I was dealing with a very difficult medical condition in which no doctor had a clear explanation for.  I was left to question whether this would be a permanent thorn on my side that I would have to endure.  I never cried so much and wondered why He was delaying His time of deliverance.

I was also caught in the middle of a professional confusion where I knew He was leading me into a different stage of my career but did not have clear indication of where.  Though I knew He wasn't far from hearing nor His arms too short of reach, I wondered when He would hasten His already delayed answers.  I was at the mercy of God and not my own hands.

Peter Kreeft in God Who Loves You explains:

"Nothing else is really mine.  My health, my works, my possessions, my intelligence, my life itself-- these are not what they seem.  They are all loans, hostages to fortune.  They are shifting rainbows, insubstantial and ephemeral.  I discover that when I stand face to face with God in prayer or when I stand face to face with death in fear.  I discover that I am nothing."  (p.68)

During this time of wait and revelation of who I really was, just an empty vessel, He revealed to me the infinite hole in the center of my heart, "a hole that cannot be filled even with the whole enormous but finite universe....  This spiritual black hole is the restless heart that will not and cannot rest anywhere except in God, its home."  And from here, I realized that I was truly "cursed with the knowledge of God," and nothing could satisfy me without the knowledge of the most high God (p.89).  In this, I became undone and unabandoned for Him, relinquishing all control, anticipation, and plans.

The Lord wasn't enjoying inflicting pain on my life.  He was merely trying to get my attention.  Before I could move onto the next stage of my life, He was asking for a love affair with Him, one that must be experienced before He could truly release me to the love and satisfaction He has provided for me on this earth.  He needed my submission and obedience as an expression of my love for Him, as "our obedience to God's law is the love affair in which our will meets His" (p.163).

Christ has indeed transformed the meaning and value of my suffering from something that once caused fear to one that redeems my love for Him.  As His suffering on the cross ultimately brought me to freedom, it was through my personal sufferings that He brought me closer to His love.  All He was asking of me was to trust Him and to let Him lead the dance, moving to the beat of His own heart.  This was so that I may experience the sweetest love affair with Him before all else.

As I stand here today, I rejoice in the complete restoration He has brought to my body after sixteen months of struggle, where I am now healthier than I had been before becoming ill.  I now have a wonderful career where He has given me great favor, endless career possibilities, and colleagues who recognize my talents even when I am not able.  I continue to have wonderful friends who testify of my journey and also have been given a new community through the Fellows Program.  They have not only taught me to remain vulnerable but have also accepted my brokenness as a gift to them.

This was also the month the Lord finally revealed a mystery that I had been struggling with for two years.  He has literally turned my mourning into dancing overnight, and my heart is overwhelmed by His restoration and affirmation.  A friend once shared with me that "on the other side of fear, you will find freedom."  I have indeed found that freedom... the freedom to dwell, love, and allow one to accept my vulnerabilities and to still love me for who I am.

I only hope that this same freedom and love that had been demonstrated in my life will be poured out to others who are also hurting, searching, and feeling neglected by all life's situations.  The Lord is more than able and is waiting for you to consent to the love affair with Him.  "To love God is to enter into God and to let God enter into you... share God's life and let Him share yours" (p.170).