Lifelong Learning of the Call

A professor once told me in the early stages of my Ph.D. study that I would someday become instrumental in creating institutions for those who have been left out of formal institutional protection. It took me several years and the encounter with Annunciation House [dissertation site] to truly understand and appreciate this calling in my life.

Many years have passed since I've written this excerpt in my dissertation, yet I continue to find my way back to this statement.  Though life has taken on a different form since then, I cannot let go of the very passion that drove my work in my twenties.  This is the work that I am so honored to have been part of, as it privileged me to share life with the migrant poor and capture their stories and struggles through my writing.   

Annunciation House is the first place where I learned to correlate my primary calling as a follower of Christ in my daily walk.  This calling is described by Os Guinness in The Call as one that is “by Him, to Him, and for Him" (p. 31).  Through this, I shared work with individuals who desired to serve the migrant community in profound ways, as Jesus related to the poor on this earth.  These were very individuals who strove to live and work by Him, to Him, and for Him and to "think, speak, live, and act entirely for Him" (p. 31).

My life has changed drastically since the dissertation days, and the Lord has provided me with a stable career, loved ones, and a solid spiritual community.  Though this is the life I had craved and worked towards as a student, I cannot let go of the call of working with vulnerable populations and creating institutions/safe bounds where they could seek better livelihood.  And I am at times saddened by the realization that I have not responded to this call fully. 

For as long as I could remember, I knew that I wasn't called to a "normal" life in terms of following social conventions and becoming content with living the "American dream."  I also knew that the Lord never really dealt with me in a "typical" manner (comparatively speaking) and has somehow allowed me to live different realities, experience unique circumstances, and come across friends who have also led non-conventional lives.  This is what kept me going throughout my twenties.  But somehow, with the comforts of life, I eventually began losing sight of this and desiring things that were not really me. 

Such struggle can somewhat be reconciled by Guinness who describes calling as "not only a matter of being and doing what we are but also becoming what we are not yet but are called by God to be” and the “fusion of being and becoming” (p. 30).  Though I may not fully understand why certain things have come to pass while others have not, I am painstakingly finding my way back to the place where I could grapple with not losing sight of the passions He has ingrained in me.  This comes with the challenge of simultaneously calling upon Him daily and asking that He continue carving parts of me for His ultimate fulfillment in my life.

I do know that in trusting and following Him for these things, there will be things that I may not understand, but I must still trust and follow.  Where there is darkness, I trust He will illuminate His light so that I do not lose sight of what He has already given me and continue trusting for what is to come.  This will call for unwavering faith, as Joseph and Daniel have both endured, and allow the Lord to continue working on me despite the circumstances.  So that when the time comes for Him to reinstate other "Annunciation Houses" in my life, I will be more equipped than today... more trusting than today... and more faithful than today.   

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There is a time for everything, and a reason for every activity under heaven.  [Ecclesiastes 3:1]

Ever Present Truth

The media, in the recent weeks, has been rampant with reports of highly politicized figures who have violated the integrity in which their marriages stood upon.  One of the media outlets that I frequently visit presented a string of cases in which infidelity had been committed against many of the women I have come to admire and follow as professional role models.  What really grieved me was that these women were highly intellectual and accomplished individuals who seemed to lack nothing.  Yet, each of these women had been admittedly (and not-so admittedly) blind-sighted by their spouses. 

As series of questions began unraveling in head, I was faced with the question of what it would take for a straight-thinking, driven woman to be guarded against such failure of trust and accountability from their loved ones.  Was there really no hope?  Were we all doomed to such ironic tragedies regardless of how well-mannered, educated, and forward-thinking we were aiming to be?  As I found myself digging deeper into this issues, the more hopelessness clouded my thoughts, asking if it was even worth pursuing that “model life” as a DC professional.

I once heard that when you’re a Christian, you seem to have a lot more “coincidences.”  Coincidence or not, I believe the Lord was speaking to me even through these agonizing moments.  Although I came to connect the dots after putting down the book, Millar Erickson’s “The Postmodern World” was speaking to me about the faulty fundamentals which I stood on.  Knowingly and unknowingly, I had let the thoughts of the world creep into my way of thinking, ever-so enticing me to use the faults of the broken world as the basis of my own worldviews. 

I worship and believe in a perfect God, not in the world that has become so broken and defiled by wickedness.  I had somehow let the attitudes and behaviors of others dictate how I would feel about those around me and project their behaviors.  Furthermore, I came to confront how much of the self-centered thinking I had placed on myself.  In place of receiving everything in thanksgiving, I had somehow begun responding to many of my circumstances with “I deserve better than this… This isn’t how things should be.” 

Ever since when was I so “entitled” to a trial-free life?  Jesus didn’t promise the road would always be been wide and trouble-free.  What He did ask was to look to Him and center my thinking and my faith on Him.  In The Reason for God, Tim Keller speaks of centering our lives on him “to make the purpose and passion of our lives knowing, serving, delighting, and resembling him” (p. 228).  And if the beauty of what Jesus did truly moves me, then that should become the first step toward getting out of my own self-centeredness and fear into a trust relationship with Him (230).

What it all came down to was that I was not moving to the beat of the love Jesus had shown me.  I was still walking in my own self-centeredness and defining what would be right in my eyes.  The types of information I was allowing to feed into my brain, the sources of “truths” I was eliciting in place of His word, and the faulty righteousness I was attempting to conceive on my own… these were all sins within me, as “sin is centering your identity on anything but God” (Keller, 231).

All this came to a full circle when Art Lindsley spoke of the “true truths.”  So often I had adopted the “truths” of the world without weighing them against the true truths that came from the Father above.  I had so effortlessly notated world circumstances as truths in my schematic way of thinking and allowed non-scriptural influences to grip me with fear, distrust, and sadness.  All these worrisome notions were fruitless and in vain, as they stood contrary to the very fruit of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

Since learning to understand and decipher today’s world in the final weeks of the Fellows Program, I have made alterations to the way I seek my sources of information every morning.  I strive more to seek the Holy Spirit, the ultimate guide of truth, before I start off the morning with the messages of media.  I am now working to fill my thinking with His ultimate truths that He has spoken to us and the specific truths He is speaking to me that day. 

This has also opened my eyes that I do not need to look far to see great examples of integrity around me.  When the Lord gently nudged and reminded me that there were wonderful brothers and sisters in my community that, though not perfect, strove to live in truth and integrity before the Lord, I was humble once again.  More to their amazing careers and ministries, these were transparent people who strove to bear the same fruit of the Spirit I was reaching for.  These were the very role models and sources of encouragement God had placed in my life.  I needed not look further… they were all around me… just as the Lord is in my life.

Silence through the Storm

As I reflect on the past month's theme of "Being Transformed through the Bible," I am amazed at how the Lord used the readings, especially Meditating on the Word by Dietrich Bonheoffer, to prepare me for what was to come.  This past month, I was taken from the very normalcy of my life into a whirlwind of a crisis where I was to care for my mother who became ill while traveling abroad.  As situations hit us like lightning, one by one, the only response we could give was to be silent before Him and just take in what had been allowed us by the Father.

Prior to leaving for Korea, this passage from Bonhoeffer really spoke out to me:

To be silent does not mean to be inactive, rather it means to breathe in the will of God, to listen attentively and be ready to obey.  The time of silence is a time of responsibility, a time when we must answer to God and to ourselves; but it is also a time of blessedness, because it is a time when we live in the peace of God.  p. 49

In hindsight, I believe the Lord was speaking to prepare me for that silence, to breathe in what He would be speaking to me through the circumstance.  He was preparing me for the call where I would have to yield to everything by offering myself and praying for His peace to continue reigning in our lives.

Bonhoeffer also states that “the righteous person knows that God allows him to suffer so, in order that he may learn to love God for God’s own sake” (p. 88).  Being in the midst of the storm was learning more about Him and thanking Him for keeping us constant in the midst of it all.  As one wave hit after another, I clung onto His steadfast and loving hands to deliver us from the not-so-great news that kept penetrating into our lives.  I learned to withstand these trials so that I may see His perfect will unfold, not the mere desires that would only serve me selfishly.

What I had to give to God was my own poverty—my emptied self that was not at all capable of fixing the situations before me.  It is with this “unfeigned heart” that Bonhoeffer speaks about when receiving His riches in exchange for my impoverished self (p. 111).  In this, “we are to think of misfortune, misery, need of all kinds, in which God leaves us for a brief moment.”  It was not my prayer that God eradicate all hardship before us but that He would sustain us so that we would make it to the end of the race that He had somehow placed us on, a race that seemingly looked grim yet offered abundant hope and blessings (p. 113).

At the end of it all, He, as usual, required my whole heart.  He is continuing to teach me what it is to give completely to Him.  I imagine this will be an ongoing journey until I see the Father someday, but I look forward to the incremental pleasures and rewards that will come as I navigate through this journey called life.  And it was through the Word that He brought this new, yet not-so-new revelation in my life.  For this I am grateful and look forward to what He will continue to do in my life.

Two Special Visits

In my previous post, I had posed the following question: "Will I ever reach a point where I no longer lend an ounce of worry over myself?"  Revisiting this after three weeks, I can't even recall the state of mind in which I presented such a question.  All I could think right now is how ironic it is to revisit these words the day after I find myself completely overwhelmed and somehow manage to lose control of all emotions.  Last night, I had allowed tears to surround me, defeated by the mental and physical fatigue I had been carrying for quite a while now.  I had regrettably let the focus on myself creep back into my life not too long after I had decided that worries over self would have to be abandoned.

Yet the Lord has been so gracious to me, even when I have not.  He has remembered me even when I had allowed Him to get buried in the busyness of life.  To this day, He continues to seek my attention and ever so gently reminds me through the Holy Spirit, my comforter, that He has not forgotten about me... and that He knows what I'm going through despite my infamous poker face.  In his book, The Holy Spirit, Billy Graham states that, "It is never a question of how much you and I have of the Spirit, but how much He has of us" (p. 97).

I had a strong reminder of this through two individuals today, one being my mother and the other a good friend from the Fellows program.  Though I had not shared with anyone what had happened last night, my mother called this morning sharing with me that she had felt in her spirit a sense of sadness and longing for dependency as she interceded on my behalf.  She reminded me, "The Holy Spirit is a very sensitive being.  He understands what you are going through" and  encouraged me to rejoice for what is to come and not to dwell on the immediate.

I also spent part of the afternoon with a dear friend in the Fellows program after several failed attempts to pray with one another over the phone.  As we began to open up to one another about what had been weighing on our hearts, she reminded me of what I had said a while ago-- that it was during my darkest and vulnerable season where I had the greatest love affair with Him.  She also reminded me that the affair that began long ago had never ended and that He continues to seek my love and attention even though the season of desperation may have subsided.  He was inviting me to continue the dance with Him... just to a different beat.

Billy Graham notes:  I am convinced that to be filled with the Spirit is not an option but a necessity.  It is indispensable for the abundant life and for fruitful service.  The Spirit-filled life is not abnormal; it is the normal Christian life.  Anything less is abnormal; it is less than what God wants and provides for His children... that is why the Scripture commands all of us, "Be filled with the Spirit."  (p. 127)

With this, I am now steering my course and focus back on my Father and ask the question of whether I will once again learn to forsake myself, offer more of me to Him, and re-shift my focus on living the Spirit-filed life that He has intended for me.  Will I strive to live that normal Christian life and learn to remove the very limits I've placed on Him and allow the Holy Spirit to guide me so that He may conquer the absolute impossible for me?  I want to know if I will be able to abandon self-pity and embrace what is written in Mark 10:27 and confess, "Yes, with Jenny this is impossible, but not with you Lord.  All things are possible with You"

With that, I look forward to my next post.

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With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.  [Mark 10:27]