The 360 Degree Love

"Living a Life of Love" is the theme for this month, and there could not have been a better topic for where I am at this particular stage of my life.  At age 32, I have finally come closer to the realization of the love that He demands from me.  This is a love that extends 360 degrees and one that never misses a beat. 

As I celebrate my 32nd birthday today, I am reflective of many events that occurred during the past year.  Around this time last year, I was dealing with a very difficult medical condition in which no doctor had a clear explanation for.  I was left to question whether this would be a permanent thorn on my side that I would have to endure.  I never cried so much and wondered why He was delaying His time of deliverance.

I was also caught in the middle of a professional confusion where I knew He was leading me into a different stage of my career but did not have clear indication of where.  Though I knew He wasn't far from hearing nor His arms too short of reach, I wondered when He would hasten His already delayed answers.  I was at the mercy of God and not my own hands.

Peter Kreeft in God Who Loves You explains:

"Nothing else is really mine.  My health, my works, my possessions, my intelligence, my life itself-- these are not what they seem.  They are all loans, hostages to fortune.  They are shifting rainbows, insubstantial and ephemeral.  I discover that when I stand face to face with God in prayer or when I stand face to face with death in fear.  I discover that I am nothing."  (p.68)

During this time of wait and revelation of who I really was, just an empty vessel, He revealed to me the infinite hole in the center of my heart, "a hole that cannot be filled even with the whole enormous but finite universe....  This spiritual black hole is the restless heart that will not and cannot rest anywhere except in God, its home."  And from here, I realized that I was truly "cursed with the knowledge of God," and nothing could satisfy me without the knowledge of the most high God (p.89).  In this, I became undone and unabandoned for Him, relinquishing all control, anticipation, and plans.

The Lord wasn't enjoying inflicting pain on my life.  He was merely trying to get my attention.  Before I could move onto the next stage of my life, He was asking for a love affair with Him, one that must be experienced before He could truly release me to the love and satisfaction He has provided for me on this earth.  He needed my submission and obedience as an expression of my love for Him, as "our obedience to God's law is the love affair in which our will meets His" (p.163).

Christ has indeed transformed the meaning and value of my suffering from something that once caused fear to one that redeems my love for Him.  As His suffering on the cross ultimately brought me to freedom, it was through my personal sufferings that He brought me closer to His love.  All He was asking of me was to trust Him and to let Him lead the dance, moving to the beat of His own heart.  This was so that I may experience the sweetest love affair with Him before all else.

As I stand here today, I rejoice in the complete restoration He has brought to my body after sixteen months of struggle, where I am now healthier than I had been before becoming ill.  I now have a wonderful career where He has given me great favor, endless career possibilities, and colleagues who recognize my talents even when I am not able.  I continue to have wonderful friends who testify of my journey and also have been given a new community through the Fellows Program.  They have not only taught me to remain vulnerable but have also accepted my brokenness as a gift to them.

This was also the month the Lord finally revealed a mystery that I had been struggling with for two years.  He has literally turned my mourning into dancing overnight, and my heart is overwhelmed by His restoration and affirmation.  A friend once shared with me that "on the other side of fear, you will find freedom."  I have indeed found that freedom... the freedom to dwell, love, and allow one to accept my vulnerabilities and to still love me for who I am.

I only hope that this same freedom and love that had been demonstrated in my life will be poured out to others who are also hurting, searching, and feeling neglected by all life's situations.  The Lord is more than able and is waiting for you to consent to the love affair with Him.  "To love God is to enter into God and to let God enter into you... share God's life and let Him share yours" (p.170).

Means to an End

The theme for the readings this month was "Following Jesus Christ," where we examined the nature and implications of the call to discipleship.  The assignments included texts such as In His Image and Questions I'd Ask Before Following Jesus and viewings such as The Gospel of John.  We were also given an opportunity this month to spend an evening with Randy Newman, author of Questioning Evangelism.

So what does it mean to follow Jesus?  Well, we are clearly instructed in Mark 8:34, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." For some, denying oneself implies making drastic changes to their livelihood by abandoning everything they had ever known to join full-time ministry (the case of my parents).  For others, this prompts us to the daily exercise of abstaining from certain pleasures, desires, and tendencies to align with what He is calling us to be.  It's the constant surrender and stepping aside for the Holy Spirit to work in us.

What struck me the most through the readings is the realization that everything we do is never the end but the means to an end.  Michael Wilkins states, "The practice of study, guidance, and Scripture mediation are the means to an end, that is, acquiring God's truth so that we can grow in His love and service life Jesus.  They are not final goals themselves" (p. 95).  Yes, the daily seeking of the Lord in worship and prayer, the constant inquiring of the Lord on what steps to take, the continual struggle to renew my heart and mind... these are all means for the better end, not the finality themselves.

The reason this struck a chord with me is that in all honesty, I have found it easier to gloat over myself when I would come face-to-face with the healthy consequences of my sacrifices before Him.  It seemed almost natural to view such milestones as the culmination, comforting myself that I had finally arrived at something... whatever that was.  But what I am convicted of now is this-- while it is not a detriment to celebrate milestones, it is not right to be blinded of the final goal.

How many times have I picked myself up from a slump, gotten back on track with the Lord, and credited myself for the "finished product?  How many times have I made mere spots on the spectrum to be much bigger than they really were?  How many times did I spurt my own growth by losing sight of the big picture and the next steps ahead?  Yes indeed, "denying ourselves is not the goal, it is a means to the goal, which is found in the next stage of the process" (p. 85).

I do take some comfort in the fact that Jesus's disciples also faced such shortcomings.  Gordon MacDonald explains in Questions I'd Ask Before Following Jesus:

"While His disciples tended to be glue to the past and the present, Jesus focused on the future,  He saw every incident, conversation, and learning experience in light of future maturity.  His rebuke, for example, which might sting for a day or two, was not meant to humiliate.  Rather it was designed to form character for harsh times ahead."

In reading this, I not only take comfort in that my mishaps can be quite common, but I take true comfort in knowing that my Father understands these limitations and corrects me not for the sake of reprimand but to prepare and strengthen me for the struggles ahead.  This is why He gives us hints of the future without fully revealing and dictating the full picture, so that we would not divulge and obsess with today but instead use every part of our present moment to prepare us for the future and to continually keep our hope and trust in Him and in Him only.  

A Few Good Women

There is only one scene I recall from the movie, A Few Good Men.  It's when Daniel Kafee (Tom Cruise) demands the truth behind the death of a soldier, in which Colonel Jessep (Jack Nicholson) emphatically counters, "You can't handle the truth!"  This famous line has since become one of the most utilized movie catchphrases, commonly found in parodies, satires, and friendly banter amongst friends. 

As I revisit the film that undeniably traces the harsh road to unraveling the ugly truth behind human nature and its absorption of power and abuse, I am reminded of the call for us Christians to live lives that are directly contrary to the patterns of the world in seeking the truth in God's perfect will for our lives and humankind.  This truth that we strive for is certainly one that we can handle, as we walk to obey the command, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Romans 12:2).

I would like to talk about a few good women today-- godly, upright women who have committed themselves to serve as mentors in the Fellows Program.  They come from various walks of life and span across a great spectrum of testimonies and conversion stories.  These are women who have conscientiously made the decision to interrupt their lives to help us walk through this journey in utmost respect and humility.  They have availed themselves to love, listen, and rebuke at times in order to guide us in the way we should go so we do not depart from the truth (adaptation of Psalm 22:6). 

We first met the mentors during the kick-off weekend few weeks back.  We were introduced to these ladies, who would spend the weekend with us in the Blueridge Mountains.  We were to eat, laugh, and perhaps cry together... and ultimately decide which of the four would best fit our needs for one-on-one mentorship.  Throughout the weekend, the mentors were intentional about giving each one of us an opportunity to get to know them and to arrive at our own decisions.

I initially wondered why the choice was given to us in the first place.  All the ladies seemed wonderful, and I would have been fortunate to have any of them assigned to me and intricately embedded into my life.  They each seemed to carry an element of me, and I knew their unique insights (through their lived struggles and triumphs) would help develop me as a mature Christian woman.  But as I surrendered to the process, God soon revealed distinct needs in my life that could be addressed by each mentor.  I then had to lay them down and decide on the element that would benefit the most from a mentor-mentee relationship.

I met with my mentor one-on-one for the first time this past weekend.  I felt the conversation was an indication after another that this union was not a random act but one that had been guided by the Lord.  This reminded me of the freedom I mentioned in the previous post, the great freedom that Christ gives us to soar with Him within His bounds.  Although there had been boundaries set by the program to select a mentor from a pool of the designated four, we were given the freedom to choose who would best fit our needs.  And before such selection could be made, we were challenged to identify, delineate, and grapple with different aspects of our personhood to clearly articulate our vulnerabilities.

Christ has given us the great freedom to explore our lives even though the outcome is ultimately His. Instead of forcing every thought and action on us, He allows us to partner with Him and struggle through life with Him.  And though I had planned the course in arriving at the decision, it was the Lord who had already determined and guided the steps to His ultimate outcome and provision (adaptation of Proverbs 16:9).  It is in this that I marvel at God for allowing His brilliance to shine upon the C. S. Lewis Institute to design and implement the program to reflect His ways of doing things and to allow us to grasp His intelligence both through our minds and hearts.

Is this the type of truth I want and could handle?  I've never been so sure.

Co-Existence of Boundaries and Freedom

One of the key elements of the Fellows Program is building relationships with one another.  Every month, we are required to meet for fellowship with our core groups, accountability and prayer with our quads, and one-on-one sessions with our mentors.  Although this may seem simple, it is not an easy task for 12 busy women (8 fellows + 4 mentors) to coordinate their schedules to gather and share quality time with one another.  But what amazes me about this process is the heart of these women who are genuinely excited to come together and eager to inconvenience themselves to honor this commitment. 

Last night, we held our first quad meeting at Cheesecake Factory.  Although this was a "meeting" of some sort, it was nothing short of old friends coming together for good eats and conversation.  We were able to dive right into one another's lives and shared things that were weighing on our hearts, our ongoing struggles, and areas where we needed each other for accountability.  This was an incredibly safe environment where we feared no judgment or condemnation.  As one of the ladies so clearly articulated, "Vulnerability begets vulnerability," as we welcomed the exercise of being broken and built up together.

This lead me to reflect on what true freedom is.  Although these meetings had been "forced" on us, as mandated activities of the program, there were immense treasures and freedom that awaited us.  These bounds created the unique space for us to freely and unashamedly come before one another, confess who we are at this particular stage of our lives, and strive toward the common goal of being true vessels before Him.  Our time together wasn't about our accomplishments, our spheres of influence, or any other type of pedestal the world may have placed us on.  It was the sheer simplicity of His people coming together to find ways to endure our trials and triumphs together.

It was precisely these strict guidelines of the program that forced us to prioritize our lives around one another.  We were not given any room to sway away from this commitment, and I believe it is this boundary that opened our eyes, minds, and time to such an enriching time of edification and acknowledgment of His grace.  Through this simple lesson of coming together with a group of vulnerable lovers of Jesus, He has reminded me once again that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free (Galatians 5:1).

Start of the Journey

As I embark on my nine month journey with the C.S. Lewis Institute Fellows Program, I am filled with awe and excitement over the transformations God will bring through this experience.  I've been a follower of Christ as long as I could remember and can't link my conversion to a particular event, but He has taken me on a gradual path where His magnificent being and supreme authority have poured over my life time and time again.

Michael Wilkins could not have given a better description of my conversion story through his work, In His Image:

"Many people who grow up in Christian homes are not always aware of the beginning.  For many it comes in the natural course of their growth.  They may have turned to God in a moment not connected with a crisis event, so the experience of the awakening is not remembered consciously.  Their spiritual life was initiated by God more quietly in the secrecy of their inner person." (p.91)

As I begin to reexamine the path that was so wonderfully conceived in the secret place of my childhood, I now make the transition into this public platform to trace my walk with Him and to become more transparent and vulnerable before Him and His people.  My aim is not only to account for the awesome awakening that will ensue as a direct result of the program, but I also pray that He will allow me to use this journey to trace my entire life line in Him that began long ago and one that has sustained me over and over again.

I stand in great expectation that God will bring life-altering blessings and renewal to my life during the next nine months.  He will awaken parts of me that have been dormant and allow His hidden and unknown plans to come to pass.  He will restore my joy and turn my wailing into dancing.  He will remove my sackcloth and clothe me with joy.  He will position my heart to sing to Him and give thanks forever.

THIS will be so much greater than what I can envision and will far exceed beyond the program.